The right words
Chantelle McNally and Debbie
Holtzhausen of African Essence Spa hand over
a R1 000 voucher to Reaching Out Chairperson
– Gerald James and which will be auctioned
at a fundraising event for the organisation
Tessence1
‘How to help a
friend in an abusive relationship’
Tanya Waterworth
VICTIMS in abusive relationships often
cannot see the pattern of abuse.
This is according to Reaching Out Programme
Director Pam Govender, who urged women to
learn the boundaries of a healthy
relationship.
‘Often victims are caught in a cycle of
abuse and for some it takes months or even
years for them to do something to change the
situation.
‘For some victims it is sometimes too late
as they end up taking their own lives and
then their secret is revealed as family and
friends will come forward to share what they
saw, or what the victim may have confided in
them.
‘Why do we have to wait for someone to die
or be assaulted badly before we do anything
to help?’ asked Govender.
Giving advice
But it is often difficult to know what is a
correct or comforting answer to give to a
friend who confides that she is a victim of
abuse.
Statements can sometimes be made with good
intentions and which may actually cause the
victim to withdraw from asking anyone for
assistance. According to Govender, some of
the common mistakes made are a response of
‘leave him!’ or ‘he is so nice I cannot
believe what you are saying, maybe you
provoke him’.
‘The first thing to do is to reassure the
victim that the abuse is not her fault and
that the behaviour she is relating is not
normal in a healthy relationship and that
she needs to get help,’ said Govender.
What is unhealthy?
Signs of an unhealthy relationship include
extreme jealousy, possessiveness, isolation,
sexual acts that the victim finds
uncomfortable, the victim is blamed for the
abuse - ‘you made me hit you’ response,
being humiliated or embarrassed in public or
private, feelings of fear and unhappiness
and when family and friends warn the victim
regarding her partner’s behaviour.
‘It is also far easier said than done to
simply ‘leave him’.
‘Firstly, if the victim has never worked a
day in her life, how does she support
herself, and if there are children involved
how will she support them?
‘Spousal maintenance does take some time to
be paid out if an application is made, and
what if he is unemployed?
‘There are a lot of aspects a victim will
take into account before she leaves.
‘Where does she stay while she tries to make
ends meet and find her footing?
‘Taking the step to change one’s situation
is very frightening for a victim,’ said
Govender.
Support
The Reaching Out organisation was started by
Govender to help abuse victims to take that
first step.
They also have a Support Group that meets at
The Bay Hospital on the first Thursday of
every month.
The next meeting is on Thursday 7 September
in the Boardroom, Bay Hospital from 4.30 –
5.30 pm.
For further information contact Pam Govender
on 083-7808207 or visit their website on
www.zululand.co.za and click on the Reaching
Out icon.
